Wanting more

All around me I see people happy and living life as is nothing were wrong. I have been around long enough to know that just because something is pretty on the outside, it doesn't mean it is on the inside. But sometimes, it's still really hard to see.

I'm struggling pretty hard right now. More than I care to admit. But here I am, admitting it. I often wonder if there will ever be a day that I can make it through all of my waking hours without doubting if I should be here or not. If I am actually making a positive impact on those I surround myself with, or a negative one. I do truly have good intentions of being kind, caring and thoughtful. Unfortunately, not everyone feels the same. I also struggle with the fact that I am pretty open and honest about most things, but others are not. I have to remind myself that many people have not lived through the same things as me and that the incredible weight of keeping things in is more harmful than helpful for me.

This growth period I am going through right now is a significant one. One that I certainly didn't see coming. While at the beginning I blamed others for my short comings, but I am coming to see that I cannot blame anyone else for how I feel. I feel this way because I am letting myself feel this way. People are treating me this way because I am letting them treat me this way. My boundaries are all fucked up and I am too afraid to set them straight. Yet, I complain to my best friend about how hurtful people are being to me.

I know better. I can do better.

I really, really hope that tomorrow, I will be better.